mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
