its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.