There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!