Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
