All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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