can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
