So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
