I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
