She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
