Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Boobs speak an international language.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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