I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
