sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
