can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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