i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
