i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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