I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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