Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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