I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
