You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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