my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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