I am spending my child support on dildos
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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