She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
