I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
