he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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