Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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