you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
