Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
