i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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