mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
