24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
