I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
