ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
