I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Randomize
