They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
