Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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