You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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