i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
