she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
