god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
