I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
