Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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