dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
