new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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