I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
