I am midnight drunk by noon
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My dick has a subreddit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
