Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
