I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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