Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
