My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I faked an abortion last night.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
