Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
