He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
