I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
