Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
