she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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