I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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