Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
