i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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