dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
