I accidentally had phone sex last night
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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