the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
