We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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