Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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