Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I love you. Go after that dick
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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