im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
